Shards In Shattered Rainbows

"The rainbow initially represented the whole of me. It encapsulates all my parts, identities and alters. It represents a mirage, appearing and disappearing in an instant. The rainbow must be whole and in precise order. It brightens people’s days, lifts moods and helps me feel accepted. It distracted me from social fears and served as a grounding aspect, symbolizing hope and the progress of my treatment.

But when that treatment stopped it left me suspended in the pain of my trauma, recovery incomplete.

The shattered glass over the rainbow conveys my journey’s slow, painful, and frustrating progress. The sound accompanying it [on the video] mirrors the drawn-out, impactful nature of this experience, which is hard to express in words since much of my treatment was somatic and non-verbal.

It shows the anger that I try to hide and how the anger when I try to suppress it actually turns inward onto me. So, the shattered comes from that, and the rainbows are currently hidden, and the shards are really painful, and they’re in multiple places, just like my multiple parts, and the worst thing is, when there’s such disbelief.

My healing journey has begun, but it’s been temporarily stalled, and that fight, that fight to get back and to cling to the hope of the recovery that is just within reach, but not within personal control. The determination to still cling on to a sense of joy and a sense of passion and a sense of purpose, and a determination not to let it eat me.

When I started working with Andy I really didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want to be heard. My parts didn’t want to be seen or heard. I found being involved in the Being Seen project incredibly helpful, definitely more so than I had imagined or could have foreseen:

I felt valid, and I felt validated, and I didn’t have to be seen for that to happen.

I didn’t even have to speak, and that was believed, and that was okay as well.

There was no judgment, just curiosity and total acceptance".

Skyban